Bell rings
VERONICA: September 1st, 1989. Dear Diary:
I believe I'm a good person. You know, I think that there's good in everyone, but—here we are!
First day of senior year! And uh... I look around at these kids that I've known all my life and I
ask myself—what happened?
KIDS: Freak! slu*t! Burnout! Bug-eyes! Poser! Lard-ass!
VERONICA: We were so tiny, happy and shiny
Playing tag and getting chased
KIDS: Freak! slu*t! Loser! Shortbus!
VERONICA: Singing and clapping, laughing and napping
Baking cookies, eating paste
KIDS: Bull-dyke! Stuck-up! Hunchback!
VERONICA: Then we got bigger, that was the trigger
Like the Huns invading Rome
(spoken)
Oh, sorry!
(sung)
Welcome to my school, this ain't no high school
This is the Thunderdome
Hold your breath and count the days, we're graduating soon
KIDS: White trash!
VERONICA: College will be paradise, if I'm not dead by June!
But I know, I know, life can be beautiful
I pray, I pray for a better way
If we changed back then, we could change again
We can be beautiful...
A PREPPY STUD knocks a HIPSTER DORK to the floor.
HIPSTER DORK: Ow!
VERONICA: Just not today
(spoken)
Hey, are you okay?
HIPSTER DORK: Get away, nerd
VERONICA: Oh, okay
KIDS: Freak! slu*t! Cripple! hom*o! hom*o! hom*o!
VERONICA: Things will get better soon as my letter
Comes from Harvard, Duke, or Brown
Wake from this coma, take my diploma
Then I can blow this town
Dream of ivy-covered walls and smoky French cafés
VERONICA jostles RAM SWEENEY.
RAM: Watch it!
VERONICA: Fight the urge to strike a match and set this dump ablaze!
RAM upends VERONICA'S lunch tray.
RAM: Ooooops
VERONICA: Ram Sweeney. Third year as linebacker and eighth year of smacking lunch trays
and being a huge dick
RAM: What did you say to me, skan*?
VERONICA: Aah, nothing!
KIDS: But I know, I know...
I know, I know...
Life can be beautiful
Beautiful
I pray, I pray
I pray, I pray
For a better way
For a better way
We were kind before;
(Oooh...)
We can be kind once more
(Oooh...)
We can be beautiful..,
(Oooh... Beautiful...)
MARTHA approaches.
VERONICA: Agh!... Hey Martha
MARTHA: Hey
MARTHA helps VERONICA pick up her tray.
VERONICA: Martha Dunnstock. My best friend since diapers
MARTHA: We on for movie night?
VERONICA: Yeah, you're on Jiffy Pop detail
MARTHA: I rented "The Princess Bride."
VERONICA: Ho-ho-ho, again? Wait, don't you have it memorized by now?
MARTHA: What can I say? I'm a sucker for a happy ending
KURT: Martha Dumptruck! Wide load! Honnnnnk!
KURT KELLY knocks the tray from MARTHA'S hands.
KURT: Hahaaa!
VERONICA: Kurt Kelly. Quarterback. He is the smartest guy on the football team. Which is
kind of like being the tallest dwarf
KURT: Haha! Alriiight!
VERONICA: (furious) Hey! Pick that up! Right now!
KURT: I'm sorry, are you actually talking to me?
VERONICA: Yes, I am. I wanna know what gives you the right to pick on my friend. You're a
high school has-been waiting to happen. A future gas station attendant
KURT: ...You have a zit right there...
KURT and KIDS laugh.
VERONICA: Dear diary:
(sung)
Why....
HIPSTER DORK: Why do they hate me?
REPUBLICAN GIRL: Why don’t I fight back?
KURT: Why do I act like such a creep?
VERONICA: Why...
MARTHA: Why won’t he date me?
RAM: Why did I hit him?
STONER CHICK, MS. FLEMING & BLOW-DRIED PREPPY: Why do I cry myself to sleep?
VERONICA: Why...
KIDS: Somebody hug me!
Somebody fix me!
Somebody save me!
KIDS & VERONICA: Send me a sign, God!
Give me some hope, here!
Something to live for!
The three HEATHERS enter.
KIDS: Ahh! Heather, Heather, and Heather!
VERONICA: And then there's the Heathers. They float above it all
KIDS: I love Heather, Heather, and Heather
VERONICA: Heather McNamara, head cheerleader. Her dad is loaded—he sells engagement
rings
(I love Heather, Heather, and Heather)
VERONICA: Heather Duke, runs the yearbook. No discernible personality, but her mom did pay
for implants
(I want Heather, Heather, and Heather)
VERONICA: And Heather Chandler, the Almighty
She is a mythic bitch
(I need Heather, Heather—)
VERONICA: They're solid Teflon—never bothered, never harassed
I would give anything to be like that
KIDS: Mmmm...
HIPSTER DORK: I'd like to be their boyfriend
KIDS: That would be beautiful...
Mmmm...
STONER CHICK: If I sat at their table, guys would notice me
KIDS: So beautiful...
Ooooh...
MARTHA: I'd like them to be nicer
KIDS: That would be beautiful...
Ooooh...
BELEAGUERED GEEK: I'd like to kidnap a Heather and photograph her naked in an
abandoned warehouse and leave her tied up for the rats
VERONICA enters the girls' bathroom. HEATHER CHANDLER and MCNAMARA are watching
HEATHER DUKE vomit into a toilet.
HEATHER CHANDLER: Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is so '87.
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Maybe you should see a doctor, Heather
HEATHER DUKE: Yeah, Heather. Maybe I should
MS. FLEMING: Ah, Heather and Heather
HEATHER DUKE vomits.
...and Heather. Perhaps you didn't hear the bell over all the vomiting. You're late for class
VERONICA scribbles on a piece of paper.
HEATHER CHANDLER: Heather wasn't feeling well. We're helping her
MS. FLEMING: Not without a hall pass, you're not. Week's detention
VERONICA: Um, actually, Ms. Fleming, all four of us are out on a hall pass. Yearbook
committee
MS. FLEMING: ...I see you're all listed. Hurry up and get where you're going
HEATHER CHANDLER: This is an excellent forgery. Who are you?
VERONICA: Uh... Veronica Sawyer. I crave a boon
HEATHER CHANDLER: What boon?
VERONICA: Um. Let me sit at your table, at lunch. Just once. No talking necessary. If people
think that you guys tolerate me, then they'll leave me alone...
HEATHERS laugh.
Before you answer, I also do report cards, permission slips, and absence notes
HEATHER DUKE: How about prescriptions?
HEATHER CHANDLER: Shut up, Heather
HEATHER DUKE: Sorry, Heather
HEATHER CHANDLER inspects VERONICA'S face.
HEATHER CHANDLER: For a greasy little nobody, you do have good bone structure
HEATHER MCNAMARA: And a symmetrical face. If I took a meat cleaver down the center of
your skull, I'd have matching halves. That's very important
HEATHER DUKE: Of course, you could stand to lose a few pounds
HEATHER CHANDLER: And ya know, ya know, ya know?
This could be beautiful
Mascara, maybe some lip gloss
And we're on our way
Get this girl some blush;
And Heather, I need your brush
Let's make her beautiful
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Let's make her beautiful...
HEATHER DUKE: Let's make her beautiful...
HEATHER CHANDLER: Make her beautiful...
(spoken)
Okay?
VERONICA: Okay!
Another day, another hellish lunch.
KURT: Out of my way, geek!
BELEAGUERED GEEK: I don't want trouble—
RAM: You're gonna die at 3pm!
REPUBLICANETTE & NEW WAVE GIRL: Don't you dare touch me! Get away, pervert!
BELEAGUERED GEEK: What did I ever do to them?
KIDS: Who could survive this?
I can't escape this!
I think I'm dying!
MS. FLEMING: Who's that with Heather?
THE HEATHERS enter again...
KIDS: Whoa
(sung)
Heather, Heather, Heather...
NEW WAVE GIRL: And someone!
KIDS: Heather, Heather, Heather...
GOWAN & COACH: And a babe!
KIDS: Heather, Heather, Heather...
MARTHA: Veronica?!
KIDS: Veronica? Veronica? Veronica!
THE HEATHERS part, revealing a smoking hot VERONICA who has been given a make-over.
VERONICA: And you know, you know, you know
(Ooohhhh!)
Life can be beautiful
(Aaahhh! Beautiful!)
You hope, you dream, you pray
(Ooohhhh!)
And you get your way!
(Aaahhh!)
Ask me how it feels
(Beautiful!)
Lookin' like hell on wheels...
(Ooohhhh!)
My God, it's beautiful!
(Aaahhh! Beautiful!)
I might be beautiful...
(Beautiful!)
And when you're beautiful...
(Aaahhh!)
It's a beautiful frickin' day!
KIDS: Heather! Heather! Heather! Veronica!
Heather! Heather! Heather! Veronica!
Veronica! Veronica! Veronica!
Veronicaaaaa!
At the school.
VERONICA: Dear diary, It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve became friends with the Heathers... well,
“friends” isn’t the right words exactly. It’s more like the Heathers are people I work with and our
job is being popular and sh*t.
MARTHA: Hey Veronica!
VERONICA: Hey!
MARTHA: You’ve looked really beautiful these days
VERONICA: Yeah, well it’s just the same me underneath.
MARTHA: Are you sure?
VERONICA: Look, I’m sorry I flaked on movie night last week. I’ve had a lot going on.
MARTHA: I get that. You’re with the Heathers now. It’s exciting!
VERONICA: It’s whatever. But we’ll hang soon, I promise.
HEATHER DUKE: Veronica! Heather says to haul ass to the caf pronto.
VERONICA: How very.
HEATHER CHANDLER: Veronica! I need a forgery in Ram Sweeney’s handwriting. You’ll
need something to write on. (to HEATHER DUKE) Heather, bend over!
HEATHER DUKE Bends over.
HEATHER CHANDLER: Hi honey, I’ve been watching you and thinking about us in the old
days. I hope you can come to my homecoming party this weekend. I miss you! Ram. And put an
“XO” after the signature.
VERONICA: What’s this for anyway?
HEATHER CHANDLER: You know how Ram used to hang with Martha Dumptruck?
VERONICA: Well yeah, in kindergarten. We all did.
HEATHER DUKE: We all didn’t kiss on the kickball field.
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Oh my god that’s right, I totally forgot! Ram kissed Martha
dumptruck. It was disgusting!
HEATHER CHANDLER: Perfect. (to RAM) Hey Ram, come here!
RAM: Yo, what do you think Heather wants?
KURT: I bet she wants you to, like, set her on your johnson and spin her around like a goddamn
pinwheel!
RAM: Hell yeah, punch it in!
They fist-bump and laugh like idiots.
HEATHER CHANDLER: Be a sweetie and give this note to Martha Dumptruck for me.
VERONICA: What? No!
RAM: Since when did you hang out with that lard-ass?
HEATHER CHANDLER: Don't read it! She's having an extra heavy flow and needed some
advice from my gyno.
KURT & RAM: Ewwwww!
VERONICA: Yeah, i'll take that. Thank you!
(To Heather)
Martha's had a thing for Ram for like 13 years now. This could kill her. Come on, Heather,
you're bigger than this.
HEATHER CHANDLER: Are we gonna have a problem?
You got a bone to pick?
You’ve come so far
Why now are you pulling on my dick?
I’d normally slap your face off
And everyone here could watch
But I’m feeling nice
Here’s some advice
Listen up, biotch!
HEATHERS: I like!
HEATHER CHANDLER: Lookin’ hot
Buying stuff they cannot
HEATHER DUKE & HEATHER MCNAMARA: I like!
HEATHER CHANDLER: Drinkin’ hard
Maxin’ Dad’s credit card
HEATHER DUKE & HEATHER MCNAMARA: I like!
HEATHER CHANDLER: Skippin’ gym
Scaring her
Screwing him
HEATHER DUKE & HEATHER MCNAMARA: I like!
HEATHER CHANDLER: Killer clothes
HEATHERS: Kickin’ nerds in the nose!
HEATHER CHANDLER: If you lack the balls
You can go play dolls
Let your mommy fix you a snack
HEATHER DUKE & HEATHER MCNAMARA: Woah!
HEATHER CHANDLER: Or you could come smoke
Pound some rum and co*ke
In my Porsche with the quarterback
HEATHERS: Woah! Woah! Woah!
Honey, whatchu waitin’ for?
Welcome to my candy store
It’s time for you to prove
You’re not a loser anymore
Then step into my candy store
HEATHER CHANDLER & HEATHER MCNAMARA: Guys fall
HEATHER DUKE: At your feet
Pay the check
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Help you cheat
HEATHERS: All you
HEATHER DUKE: Have to do
HEATHER CHANDLER: Say goodbye to Shamu
HEATHERS: That freak’s
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Not your friend
I can tell in the end
HEATHERS: If she
HEATHER DUKE: Had your shot
HEATHERS: She would leave you to rot!
HEATHER MCNAMARA: ‘Course if you don’t care
Fine! Go braid her hair
Maybe Sesame Street is on
HEATHERS: Woah!
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Or forget that creep
HEATHER DUKE: And get in my jeep
HEATHER CHANDLER: Let’s go tear up someone’s lawn
HEATHERS: Woah! Woah! Woah!
Honey, whatchu waitin’ for?
Welcome to my candy store
You just gotta prove
You’re not a puss* anymore
Then step into my candy store
HEATHER CHANDLER: You can join the team
HEATHER DUKE & HEATHER MCNAMARA: Or you can bitch and moan
HEATHER CHANDLER: You can live the dream
HEATHER DUKE & HEATHER MCNAMARA: Or you can die alone
HEATHER CHANDLER: You can fly with eagles
HEATHERS: Or if you prefer
HEATHER CHANDLER: Keep on testing me
HEATHERS: And end up like her!
MARTHA: Veronica, look! Ram invited me to his homecoming party! This proves he’s been
thinking about me!
VERONICA: Color me stoked!
MARTHA: I’m so happy!
HEATHERS: Woah!
HEATHER DUKE: Honey, whachu waiting fo—
HEATHER CHANDLER: Shut up Heather!
(sung)
Step into my candy store!
HEATHER DUKE & HEATHER MCNAMARA: Time for you to prove
HEATHER DUKE & HEATHER MCNAMARA with HEATHER CHANDLER: You’re not a
lame ass anymore!
Oooh woah! Woah oh oh!
HEATHERS: Then step into my candy store!
It’s my candy store
It’s my candy
It’s my candy store
It’s my candy!
It’s my candy store
It's my candy store!
Bell rings.
JD: You shouldn’t have bowed down to the swatch dogs and diet co*ke heads. They’re gonna
crush that girl.
VERONICA: I’m sorry, what?
JD: Look, you’ve clearly got a soul. You just need to work a little harder keeping it clean. We’re
all born marked for evil.
VERONICA: Okay, don’t just quote Baudelaire at me and walk away. Excuse me? I didn’t catch
your name.
JD: I didn’t throw it
KURT: Who does that guy in the jacket think he is anyways? Bo Diddley?
RAM: Veronica’s into his act, no doubt.
KURT: Let’s kick his ass!
RAM: We’re seniors, man. We’re too old for that sh*t.
KURT: (To JD) Hey sweetheart! (Knocks down his book) What’d your boyfriend say when you
told him you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio?
RAM: My buddy Kurt here just asked you a question.
KURT: Hey Ram, doesn’t this cafeteria have a “no fa*gs allowed” rule?
RAM: Sure does.
JD: They seem to have an open-door policy for assholes, though.
KURT: Hold his arms.
(JD fights them back in a holy act of badassness.)
STUDENTS: Holy sh*t
Holy sh*t
Holy sh*t
Holy sh*t
Holy sh*t
Holy sh*t
Holy sh*t
Holy sh*t
Holy sh*t!
VERONICA: Why when you see boys fight
Does it look so horrible
Yet... feel so right?
I shouldn't watch this crap
That’s not who I am
But with this kid...
Daaaaamn
Hey, mister no-name kid
So who might you be?
And could you fight for me
Hey, could you face the crowd
Could you be seen with me and still act proud
Hey, could you hold my hand
And could you carry me through no man's land
It's fine if you don't agree
But I would fight for you
If you would fight for me
Let them drive us underground
I don't care how far
You can set my broken bones and I know CPR
Well, whoa, you can punch real good
You've lasted longer than I thought you would
So hey, mister no-name kid
If some night you're free
Wanna fight for me?
If you're still alive
I would fight for you
If you would fight for me
STUDENTS: Holy sh*t
Holy sh*t
Holy sh*t
Holy sh*t!
VERONICA and the HEATHERS are playing croquet.
HEATHER CHANDLER: God, Veronica! Drool much? You were practically throwing your
panties at that new kid. (She throws dagger eyes at HEATHER DUKE and HEATHER
MCNAMARA. They force out a terrified laugh.) And from the look of your house, you can’t
afford replacement panties. (Dagger eyes. HEATHER DUKE and HEATHER MCNAMARA force
out a terrified laugh again.)
VERONICA: Come on, I don’t even know his name. Mom! Dad! Look out!
MRS. SAWYER: Here you go, girls! Care for some pate?
HEATHER CHANDLER: That isn’t pate. That’s liverwurst.
MRS. SAWYER: I know that, Heather. It’s a family joke!
HEATHER CHANDLER: Funny.
MR. SAWYER: Dammit! Can somebody tell me why I read these spy novels?
VERONICA: Because you’re an idiot, dad.
MR. SAWYER: Oh yeah, that’s it.
MRS. SAWYER: You two! (To HEATHERS) So, girls, any plans for tonight?
VERONICA: A big homecoming party at Ram Sweeney’s house. I’m catching a ride with
Heather.
HEATHER CHANDLER: Speaking of which.
(The HEATHERS, synchronized, pick up their Croquet balls and start walking away.)
VERONICA: Great pate, mom, but we better motor if we want to be ready for that party.
MRS. SAWYER: Don’t let the popular girls change you.
VERONICA: I need them.
MRS. SAWYER: For what? You have friends. You have Martha!
VERONICA: Maybe I want more out of life than liverwurst.
HEATHER CHANDLER: Ahem.
(HEATHERS and VERONICA exit.)
MR. SAWYER: Those girls seemed really nice.
JD is at the 7-Eleven.
(VERONICA enters.)
HEATHER CHANDLER (Offstage): Veronica, don’t forget to buy corn nuts! It’s not a party
without corn nuts!!!
VERONICA: Yes, Heather. Plain or BQ?
HEATHER CHANDLER: BQ!!!!!!
JD: Greetings and salutations. You want a slurpee with that?
VERONICA: No, but if you’re nice I’ll let you buy me a big gulp.
JD: That’s like going to Mickey D’s to order a salad. Slurpee is the signature dish of the house.
Did you say cherry or lime?
VERONICA: I said big gulp. I’m Veronica Sawyer, by the way. Were you ever gonna tell me
your name?
JD: I’ll end the suspense. Jason Dean. JD for short.
VERONICA: So, JD, that thing you pulled in the caf was pretty severe.
JD: The extreme always seems to make an impression.
VERONICA: So what brings a Baudelaire-quoting badass like you to Sherwood, Ohio?
JD: My dad’s work. He owns a deconstruction company.
VERONICA: Deconstruction?
JD: Yeah, the old man seems to enjoy tearing things down. You ever seen the commercial like
“Well I’m Big Bud Dean if it’s in the way I’ll make your day!”
VERONICA: Right, then he pulls the plunger and the screen blows up! That’s your dad?
JD: In all his toxic glory.
VERONICA: Everyone’s life has got static.
HEATHER CHANDLER (Offstage): VERONICAAAAAAA!!!
VERONICA: Example: I don’t really like my friends.
JD: I don’t like your friends either. Bag the party, hang here!
VERONICA: At the 7-Eleven? Swanky first date.
JD: Hey, I love this place.
VERONICA: No offense... but why?
JD: I've been through ten high schools
They start to get blurry
No point planting roots
'Cause you're gone in a hurry
My dad keeps two suitcases packed in the den
So it's only a matter of when
I don't learn the names
Don't bother with faces
All I can trust is this concrete oasis
Seems ev’ry time I'm about to despair
There's a 7-11 right there
Each store is the sme
From Las Vegas to Boston
Linoleum aisles that I love
To get lost in
I pray at my altar of slush
Yeah I live for that sweet frozen rush...
Freeze your brain
Suck on that straw
Get lost in the pain
Happiness comes
When everything numbs
Who needs cocaine?
Freeze your brain
Freeze your brain
JD: Care for a hit?
VERONICA: Does your mommy know you eat all this crap?
JD: Not anymore
(sung)
When mom was alive
We lived halfway normal
But now it's just me and my dad
We're less formal
I learned to cook pasta
I learned to pay rent;
Learned the world
Doesn't owe you a cent
You're planning your future
Veronica Sawyer
You'll go to some college
And marry a lawyer
But the sky's gonna hurt
When it falls
So you better start
Building some walls...
Freeze your brain
Swim in the ice
Get lost in the pain
Shut your eyes tight
Till you vanish from sight
Let nothing remain
Freeze your brain
Shatter your skull
Fight pain with more pain
Forget who you are
Unburden your load
Forget in six weeks
You'll be back on the road
When the voice in your head
Says you're better off dead
Don't open a vein
Just freeze your brain
Freeze your brain
Go on and freeze your brain...
JD: Try it
(VERONICA drinks from his slurpee)
VERONICA: I don’t see what the big deal- OH SON OF A BITCH!
(HEATHER CHANDLER enters)
HEATHER CHANDLER: Veronica! Corn nuts?
VERONICA: Yes, Heather.
HEATHER CHANDLER: Wave bye-bye to Red Dawn here and let’s motor.
Ram Sweeney’s house.
RAM’S DAD: Okay, Ram. Have fun tonight, but I expect you to act your age. The Henshaw’s
have the number to the cabin. If they call to complain, I’m gonna come back here and knock the
sand out of your vagin*.
RAM: Dude, what am I? 5?
RAM’S DAD: I’m your dad, not your “dude”.
KURT’S DAD: It goes double for you, Kurt. You’re a guest in Bill’s house and you will treat
him with respect.
KURT: Sure thing, dude!
(KURT and RAM laugh.)
KURT’S DAD: Grab his arms.
(RAM’S DAD grabs kurt. )
KURT: Okay, Okay it’s funny! I was kidding!
KURT’S DAD: Who’s a big sissy?
KURT: I’m not a sissy!
KURT’S DAD: Who’s a big sissy?
KURT: I get it, it’s funny!
KURT’S DAD: You’re gonna wear a pretty, pretty dress!
(He punches him some more).
KURT: Fine! I’m a sissy! I’m a big fat sissy!
KURT’S DAD: Damn right you are. Have fun at your party.
RAM’S DAD: Punch it in!
(They fist bump. KURT’S DAD and RAM’S DAD exit.)
KURT: Man, that sucked...
RAM: Dude, who cares? The parents gone and I got my party slippers on!
KURT: Boy, you get in here and give me some!
(They chest bump. ENSEMBLE, HEATHERS, and VERONICA enter.)
RAM: Dad says "Act our age."
You heard the man, it's time to rage!
ALL: Blast the bass, turn out the light
Ain't nobody home tonight!
RAM: Drink, smoke, it's all cool
Let's get naked in my pool!
ALL: Punch the wall and start a fight!
Ain't nobody home tonight!
KURT: His folks got a waterbed
Come upstairs and rest your head
RAM: Let's rub each other's backs
While watching p*rn on Cinemax!
HEATHER CHANDLER, KURT, RAM, & KIDS: The folks are gone
It's time for big fun!
Big fun!
We're up till dawn
Having some big fun!
Big fun!
When mom and dad forget
To lock the liquor cabinet
It's big fun!
Big fun!
HEATHER MCNAMARA: So it’s salt, then shot, then lime. It’s very important to get the order
right.
(VERONICA follows her instructions)
HEATHER MCNAMARA: You’re a natural! Just like my mom!
PREPPY STUD: Veronica, you are looking good tonight!
VERONICA: Whoa
(sung)
A hot guy smiled at me
Without a trace of mockery!
ALL BUT VERONICA: Everyone's high as a kite
Ain't nobody home tonight!
VERONICA: Stoned. Zoned. I should quit...
Hey, is that weed? I want a hit
ALL BUT VERONICA: Fill that joint and roll it tight
Ain't nobody home tonight!
VERONICA: Dreams are coming true
When people laugh but not at you!
I'm not alone! I'm not afraid!
I feel like Bono at LiveAid!
ALL: The house is ours
It's time for big fun!
Big fun!
Let's use their showers
That sounds like
Big fun!
Big fun!
Crack open one more case!
VERONICA: I think that's what they call "third base."
ALL: Big fun!
Big fun!
Big fun!
VERONICA: That actually looks like--
ALL: Big fun!
Big fun!
Big fun!
KURT: Alright, people, listen up! What is Westerberg gonna do to the Razorbacks at Sunday's
game?
RAM: Gonna make 'em go whee! Whee! Whee! Whee!
ALL: Big fun!
BIG FUN!
HEATHER DUKE: Way to show maturity!
ALL: Big fun!
BIG FUN!
HEATHER DUKE: Quit it jackass, get off of me!
ALL: Big fun!
BIG FUN!
VERONICA: Yo! Ram! Emergency! I just saw some freshmen sneaking over the pool fence!
RAM: I hate freshmen! Where are you little pricks? I'm coming for you!
VERONICA: Hey, are you okay?
HEATHER DUKE: I didn't need your help
VERONICA: Aw, thanks for the finger, Heather, but I don't really have to vomit right now
ALL: The party's hot, hot, hot
It's time for big fun!
Big fun!
KURT: You need a jello shot!
ALL: We're having big fun!
Big fun!
HEATHER CHANDLER: Martha Dumptruck, in the flesh
HEATHER DUKE: Here comes the Cootie Squad
We should--
HEATHER CHANDLER: Shut up, Heather
HEATHER DUKE: Sorry, Heather
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Look who's with her -- Oh, my God!
HEATHERS: Dang! Dang! Diggety-dang-a-dang!
Dang-dang! Diggety-dang-a-dang!
VERONICA: I can't believe you actually came
MARTHA: It's exciting, right? Oh, I want to say hello to Ram. I brought sparkling cider
HEATHER CHANDLER: Showing up here took some guts
Time to rip them out
HEATHER DUKE: Well, who's this pig remind you of?
Especially the snout
HEATHER CHANDLER: Hah!
HEATHERS: Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang!
Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang!
RAM: Where the hell are those freshman?
MARTHA: Hi, Ram. I wasn't gonna come, but since you took the time to write that sweet note...
RAM: What note? Why d'you gotta be so weird all the time? People wouldn't hate you so much
if you acted normal... There's no alcohol in here! Are you trying to poison me?
KIDS: Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang
Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang
Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang
Diggety-dang-a-dang!
The folks are gone
It's time for big fun!
Big fun!
We're up till dawn
Having some big fun! Big fun!
So let the speakers blow
They'll buy another stereo
Our folks got no clue
'bout all the sh*t their children do
Why are they surprised?
Whenever we're unsupervised
It's big fun!
Big fun!
Big fun!
Big fun!
Big fun!
Whooo!
HEATHER CHANDLER: Okay, Westerbergers, time to celebrate our victory over the
Razorbacks by wacking apart their mascot!
(ALL cheer)
HEATHER MCNAMARA: We need a volunteer to take the first swing at the pinata!
HEATHER CHANDLER: Martha Dunnstock! I think you should do the honors.
MARTHA: I don’t really know this game...
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Let’s show this girl some Westerberg spirit!
(She hands her a croquet mallet to hit the pinata with and puts a blindfold on her. HEATHER
CHANDLER helps to spin her around)
ALL: Martha! Martha! Martha! Martha! Martha! Martha!
(A pig, dressed as Martha, comes on stage)
VERONICA: Give me the pig!
(Chaos ensues as she tries to get the pig)
HEATHER DUKE: You gotta give it back, Veronica, come on!
VERONICA: You want it? Swim for it.
(She throws the pig into the pool . A splash is heard.)
VERONICA: Go home. Go!
MARTHA: But what about the pinata?
VERONICA: Go home, I’ll explain later. Go! (To HEATHER CHANDLER) Well, we gave it a
shot. I’m resigning my commision from the lip gloss gestapo and going back to civilian life.
HEATHER CHANDLER: No.
(HEATHER CHANDLER pushes her)
VERONICA: Don’t push me. I’m not feeling well.
HEATHER CHANDLER: You don’t get to be a nobody. Come Monday, You’re an
ex-somebody. Not even the losers are gonna touch you now. You can transfer to Washington and
you can transfer to Jefferson, but no one at Westerberg is gonna let you play their reindeer
games.
(VERONICA pukes on HEATHER CHANDLER’s shoes)
AAAAAAAAAAHHH! I raised you up from nothing! And this is my thanks? I get paid in
puke?????
VERONICA: Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.
HEATHER CHANDLER: I know who I’m eating lunch with on Monday. Do you? (To all)
Okay, party people! Where is the goddam keg?
(ALL but VERONICA cheer and exit)
VERONICA: The demon queen of high school has decreed it:
She says Monday, 8 a.m., I will be deleted
They'll hunt me down in study hall
Stuff and mount me on the wall
Thirty hours to live—
How shall I spend them?
I don't have to stay and die like cattle
I could change my name and ride up to Seattle
But I don't own a motorbike
Wait—here's an option that I like:
Spend these thirty hours gettin' freakay!
Yeah!
I need it hard
I'm a dead girl walkin'
I'm in your yard
I'm a dead girl walkin'
Before they punch my clock
I'm snappin' off your window lock
Got no time to knock
I'm a dead girl walking
JD: Veronica? What are you doing in my room?
VERONICA: Shh...
Sorry, but I really had to wake you
See, I decided I must ride you till I break you
'Cause Heather says I gots to go
You're my last meal on death row
Shut your mouth and lose them tighty-whities!
Come on! Tonight I'm yours
I'm your dead girl walkin'
Get on all fours
Kiss this dead girl walkin'
Let's go, you know the drill
I'm hot and pissed and on the pill
Bow down to the will of a dead girl walking!
And you know, you know, you know
It's 'cause you're beautiful
You say you're numb inside
But I can't agree
So the world's unfair
Keep it locked out there
In here it's beautiful
Let's make this beautiful!
JD: That works for me!
(Instrumental/Guitar Lead)
VERONICA: Yeah!
Full steam ahead!
Take this dead girl walkin'
JD: How'd you find my address?
VERONICA: Let's break the bed
Rock this dead girl walkin'!
JD: I think you tore my mattress!
VERONICA: No sleep tonight for you
Better chug that Mountain Dew
JD: Okay, okay
VERONICA: Get your ass in gear
Make this whole town disappear!
JD: Okay, okay!
VERONICA: Slap me! Pull my hair!
Touch me
VERONICA & JD: There and there and there!
VERONICA: And no more talkin'
JD: Whoa-oh-oh-oh!
VERONICA: Love this dead girl walkin'
JD:Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Yeah, yeah!
VERONICA & JD: Love this dead girl
JD: Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Wait, wait!
VERONICA & JD: Love this dead girl
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
JD: Ow!
Veronica & JD: Yeah!
Veronica’s dream.
HEATHER CHANDLER: Hello, slu*t.
VERONICA: How did you get in here?
HEATHER CHANDLER: I’m like oxygen: i’m everywhere. Really, Veronica? Sleeping with
psycho trenchcoat kid? I will crucify you for this. Everyone in school is gonna know that “good
little Veronica Sawyer” is nothing but a dirty whor*.
VERONICA: Why are you so determined to hurt me?
HEATHER CHANDLER: Because I can. It’ll be so very.
ALL: Very! Very! Very! Very! Very! Very! Very! Very!
(VERONICA screams.All exit.)
JD: Veronica! You’re soaking wet!
VERONICA: It was just a dream.
JD: What’s the rush?
VERONICA: I gotta get to Heather’s.
JD: Why? You said you were done with Heather.
VERONICA: Yeah, and it was a sweet fantasy. A world without Heather, a world where
everyone is free! But now it’s morning and I have to go kiss her aerobicized ass.
JD: Let me come with
VERONICA: Really?
JD: Y’know, for backup.
VERONICA: Okay, Thanks! By the way... you were my first.
HEATHER CHANDLER’s house.
VERONICA: Heather?
JD: Maybe she’s not home.
VERONICA: Trust me, she skips the Saturday morning trip to Grandma’s even when she’s not
hungover. Heather!?
HEATHER CHANDLER: WHAT???
VERONICA: It’s Veronica. I’m here to apologize.
HEATHER CHANDLER: Well I hope you brought kneepads, bitch. Fix me a prairie oyster and
I’ll think about it.
VERONICA: Prairie oyster... what’s in that? Raw egg, vinegar-
JD: Worchester, hot sauce, salt, and pepper.
VERONICA: You know your hangover cures.
JD: My dad taught me all kinds of stuff.
VERONICA: Okay, here’s my revenge: I’ll drop a phlegm glob in her prairie oyster. She’ll
never know!
JD: Y’know, I’m more of a “no rust build up” man myself.
VERONICA: Don’t be a dick, that stuff will kill her.
JD: Thus ending her hangover. I say we go with Drain-Out.
VERONICA: What are you doing? You can’t just... besides Heather would never drink anything
that looks like that.
JD: So we use a mug, she won’t know what she’s drinking.
VERONICA: Forget it!
JD: Chicken!
VERONICA: You’re not funny.
JD: Okay, I’m sorry.
HEATHER CHANDLER: Prairie oyster! Chop-chop.
(VERONICA takes the wrong mug)
JD: Veronica you-
VERONICA: I what?
JD: ...Good luck.
VERONICA: Morning, Heather.
HEATHER CHANDLER: Veronica, and Jesse James, quelle surprise. Well, let’s get to it. Beg.
VERONICA: Look, we both said things we didn’t mean last night and-
HEATHER CHANDLER: I’d actually prefer if you did this on your knees. In front of your boy
toy here.
VERONICA: Yeah. Anyhow, look, I’m really sorry
HEATHER CHANDLER: Do I look like I’m kidding? Down.
(VERONICA kneels and offers the “prairie oyster” like a cultist at the altar)
HEATHER CHANDLER: Nice. But you’re still dead to me.
(HEATHER CHANDLER takes a nice long sip of suicide juice)
... CORN! NUTS!
(She drops dead)
JD: (Forced) Holy crap!
VERONICA: Don’t just stand there, call 911!
(JD takes her pulse)
JD: It’s a little late for that.
VERONICA: Heather? Heather?! Heather, wake up! HEATHER?! Oh my god... I just killed my
best friend!
JD: And your worst enemy.
VERONICA: Same difference. The police are gonna think I did this on purpose. They’re gonna
have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin.
JD: Unless... look, she was reading The Bell Jar.
VERONICA: Oh no!
JD: Oh yes! You can fake her handwriting. Make her sound deep, like this:
I have paid in my path
Like Sylvia Plath, my problems were myriad
VERONICA: I was having my period!
(She laughs then realizes there’s literally a corpse right next to her)
OH MY GOD!
JD: This is serious! You could go to jail, get your head on straight now.
VERONICA: Heather would never use the word “myriad” okay? She missed it on her
vocabulary quiz.
JD: So it’s a badge for her failures at school. Work with me!
VERONICA: Okay.
JD: Think. Long and hard. Conjure her up in your mind. What would she say?
What is her final statement to a cold, uncaring planet?
VERONICA: "Dear world...
Believe it or not, I knew about fear;
I knew the way loneliness stung
I hid behind smiles and crazy hot clothes;
I learned to kiss boys with my tongue."
JD: That's good.
VERONICA: "But oh, the world, it held me down;
It weighed like a concrete prom queen crown."
HEATHER CHANDLER: No one thinks a pretty girl has feelings
No one gets her insecurity
I am more than shoulder pads and makeup
No one sees the me inside of me...
(Spoken)
Jesus, you're making me sound like Air Supply!
JD: Keep going. This has to be good enough to fool the cops.
MCCORD: Whoa! Is it murder?
MILNER: No, look. Here's a suicide note.
VERONICA, HEATHER, COPS: "They couldn't see past my rockstar mystique
They wouldn't dare look in my eyes
But just underneath was a terrified girl
Who clings to her pillow and cries!
My looks were just like prison bars;
VERONICA, COPS; They've left me a myriad of scars."
HEATHER CHANDLER: "Myriad", Nice.
VERONICA, HEATHER, COPS: "No one thinks a pretty girl has substance. That's the
curse of popularity."
PRINCIPAL GOWAN: "I am more than just a source of handjobs."
VERONICA, HEATHER, GOWAN, COPS: "No one sees the me inside of me."
PRINCIPAL GOWAN: Heather Chandler is not your everyday suicide.
COACH RIPPER: You should cancel classes.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN: No way, Coach. I send the kids home before lunch and the switchboard
will light up like a Christmas tree.
MS. FLEMING: Our children are dying! What this school needs is a good old-fashioned rap
session. I suggest we get everyone into the cafeteria and just talk and feel, together.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN: Thank you, Ms. Fleming. Call me when the shuttle lands.
MS. FLEMING: Go ahead, laugh at the hippie
I'm telling you, we all misjudged Heather Chandler. Myself included. Have you read this suicide
note? Really, read it.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN: (To COACH RIPPER) She made copies?
MS. FLEMING & HEATHER CHANDLER: "Box up my clothing for Goodwill
And give the poor my Nordic Track
Donate my car to crippled kids
Or to those ghetto moms on crack
Give them my hats and my CDs
My pumps and my flats, my three TVs!"
HEATHER CHANDLER, FACULTY: "No one thinks a pretty girl has feelings;
But I weep for all I failed to be
Maybe I can help the world by leaving;
Maybe that’s the me inside of me."
PRINCIPAL GOWAN: Aw, hell. Long weekend for everybody!
MS. FLEMING: Not so fast, kids. They're refueling the buses, which gives us a solid half-hour
of healing. Now, I have mimeographed copies of the suicide note so you can feel Heather's
anguish.
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Her world seemed like a perfect place-
MS. FLEMING: Go on!
HIPSTER DORK: Her life had hit a rocky patch
MS. FLEMING: Feel!
YOUNG REPUBLICANETTE: That’s why she punched me in the face -
MS. FLEMING: Heal!
KIDS: She didn't mean to be a snatch!
(VERONICA starts crying)
MS. FLEMING: Is something wrong?
VERONICA: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lose control like this. It’s just that this classroom
discussion is stirring up emotions that I haven’t felt since Hands Across America.
MS. FLEMING: Look what we've done
We're breaking through!
Heather would be so proud of you!
KIDS: And you!
And you!
And you!
And you!
EVERYBODY: No one thinks a pretty girl can touch you...
KURT & RAM: Heather touching me...
EVERYBODY: But she's made us better than we were
Heather's dead, but she will live inside me, and I'll be the me inside of her...
HEATHER CHANDLER: Holy crap! This is awesome!
EVERYBODY: Heather cried, our sins fell on her shoulders!
HEATHER CHANDLER: Jesus Christ!
EVERYBODY: Heather died, so we could all be free!
HEATHER CHANDLER: I'm bigger than John Lennon!
KIDS: Heather's gone, but she will live forever!
MARTHA: She's the dove that sings outside my window!
BELEAGUERED GEEK: She's the twin from whom I'm separated!
STONER GIRL: She's the horse I never got for Christmas!
KIDS: Heather sees the me inside of me!
EVERYBODY: Heather is the me inside of me!
Inside of... me!
HEATHER DUKE is performing a speech on TV. VERONICA and JD are watching.
HEATHER DUKE: In times like these, people choose to focus on their grief. Well, I hate those
people because I am a very positive person. I still remember the good old times, like when
Heather and I got our ears pierced at the mall. I can still hear those late night phone
conversations. (French that I can’t decipher..). Heather Chandler! (French words…) Corn nuts!
(More French-)
VERONICA: Turn it off! Turn it off!
(JD turns off the TV. JD’S DAD enters)
JD: “Young man, I didn’t hear you come in!”
JD’S DAD: “Hey dad, how was work today?” It was miserable. Some damn tribe of withered old
bitches is trying to stop me from blowing up this fleabag hotel all because Glenn Miller and his
band once took a dump there. Just like Kansas. Do you remember Kansas?
JD: The one with the wheat, right?
JD’S DAD: Save the Memorial Oak Society. Showed those tree humpers 30 bricks of C4
explosives strapped to the trunk! Arraigned but acquitted. Goddamn Kansas.
(He notices VERONICA)
“Gee, pop! I almost forgot to introduce my girlfriend.”
JD: Veronica, this is my dad, Big Bud Dean.
VERONICA: Hello!
JD: “Well, son! Why don’t you ask your little friend to stay for dinner?”
VERONICA: Umm... My mom’s making my favorite meal tonight. Spaghetti! Lots of oregano.
JD: Oh, nice. The last time I saw my mom, she was waving at me from a window in a library in
Texas, right dad?
JD’S DAD: Right, son...
VERONICA: Okay.... Well, I’ll see you tomorrow.
(JD’S DAD and JD exit)
Dear Diary, JD’s dad will not be speaking at our wedding.
(VERONICA’s phone rings)
Hello?
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Veronica, I need help! I’m at the cemetery.
VERONICA: What’s wrong?
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Just hurry up please. It’s an emergency!
(HEATHER MCNAMARA and VERONICA exit. After a blackout, HEATHER MCNAMARA is on
stage again in her car and VERONICA enters)
VERONICA: Is Kurt ok?
HEATHER MCNAMARA: He passed out. Me and Kurt and Ram and Heather Duke came to
pour a jug of Thunderbird on Heather’s grave, you know, from her homies, but Kurt and Ram
drank it all. Ram and Heather went off together then Kurt started grabbing me and he wouldn’t
stop.
VERONICA: After everything that happened at Ram’s party, why did you call me?
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Well, that was the deal. If I got you here, Kurt promised to leave me
alone.
VERONICA: So you avoided date rape by volunteering me for date rape?
HEATHER MCNAMARA: God, you make it sound ugly.
VERONICA: I’m leaving now.
(KURT wakes up)
KURT: Heyyy Veronica ;). I waited 10 whole beers for you!
(HEATHER DUKE and RAM enter)
HEATHER DUKE: Goddammit, Ram, I said I’m done! Sober up, you idiot. Heather, unlock the
door.
(HEATHER DUKE enters the car with HEATHER MCNAMARA)
RAM: Don’t leave me! No! You can’t stop now, my balls are like this big hydroelectric dam and
there’s a river of pressure that keeps building up and it really hurts! I mean, it’s science, y’know?
I need relief...
(RAM notices VERONICA)
Well heyyyyy Veronica ;))
VERONICA: Eww. You got a left hand: Use it
KURT: Don't talk mean like that
RAM: You're gonna hurt their feelings
VERONICA: Who’s feelings?
RAM: You make my balls so blue
KURT: You hurt them badly
RAM: You make my balls so blue
KURT: They're hangin' sadly
RAM: What did they do to you
That you hate them so?
KURT: Don't run from me
They're all beat up
KURT & RAM: Like a tackling dummy!
KURT: They long for your embrace!
RAM: They're warm like mittens!
KURT: They'll curl up on your face
RAM: And purr like kittens!
KURT: You make my balls so blue!
KURT & RAM: Just look at them glow...
RAM: They’re beggin' you!
KURT & RAM: Don't make my balls so blue
VERONICA: Heather...? Heather...? Open the door
HEATHERS DUKE & MCNAMARA: Oh no, oh no no no!
VERONICA: Open the door!
HEATHERS DUKE & MCNAMARA: Oh no, oh no no no!
KURT: You make my balls so blue
So please say hello!
RAM: Hold 'em!
KURT: Enfold 'em
KURT & RAM: And never let go!
KURT: Once you were geeky and nerdy
RAM: But they knew you're dirty
KURT: You've set them on fire
KURT & RAM: Whatever you require they'll do!
So take 'em home to meet your parents!
RAM: They'll wear a suit and tie
KURT, HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA: And a fancy collar!
RAM: They'll sing a lullaby:
KURT & RAM: La la la la la!
KURT, RAM, HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA: Please make these balls not blue
RAM: Just for a while!
KURT: Can't wait till later
KURT & RAM: My pants are rubbin'
KURT, RAM, HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA: Like a hot cheese grater!
VERONICA: Look! Booze. Drink!
KURT: Thank you so much!
RAM: They will protect you
KURT: Defend you
RAM: Respect you
KURT: Befriend you
RAM: Like Winnie-the-Pooh!
HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA: Winnie-the-Pooh!
KURT: Baby, baby, baby, they're so blue!
RAM: My balls will work for you
KURT, HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA: They will obey ya!
RAM: They really need rescue!
KURT, HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA: Like Princess Leia!
KURT & RAM: Baby, you've gots to come through
KURT: Teach them to smile!
RAM, HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA: You got no clue how much
These two
RAM, KURT, HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA: Depend on you
Please help them through!
My balls are in your court!
KURT & RAM: Yeah!
HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA: You make them balls so blue!
KURT & RAM: You make my balls so blue!
HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA: You make them balls so blue!
KURT & RAM: Ow! Ow!
HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA: You make them balls so blue!
KURT & RAM: You make my balls so blue!
HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA: You make my balls so blue!
You shake them
You quake them
KURT & RAM: Good God!
HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA: You break-
KURT & RAM: My balls!
You make my balls so blue!
HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA: You make my balls so blue!
You take them
KURT & RAM: Lookit! Lookit!
Lookit! Lookit!
HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA: You bake them
Chrissake-
KURT, RAM, HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA: You make my balls so blue!
Please make their dreams come true
And make these balls not blue
A new day at school.
VERONICA: Dear diary, close call last night. Turns out, Heather Chandler was the only person
at Westerberg who could actually control Kurt and Ram, and she is dead.
HEATHER CHANDLER: Well look who’s having second thoughts.
VERONICA: Technically, I did not kill Heather. I know that, but I still feel bad. (To HEATHER
CHANDLER’s ghost) But not as bad as I should. And that makes me feel worse.
(VERONICA walks up to HEATHER DUKE and HEATHER MCNAMARA)
Hey guys, I’m really looking forward to your apology for being such ice cold bitches last night.
HEATHER DUKE: Um, cleaning out Heather’s locker. A little bit of respect.
HEATHER CHANDLER: Heather duke is such a sad little poser. Veronica, tell her to stop
touching my stuff! Veronica? Veronica!
VERONICA: Shut up, Heather!
HEATHER DUKE: You shut up! I don’t have to shut up anymore.
(HEATHER DUKE holds up HEATHER CHANDLER’s scrunchie)
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Hey, that’s Heather’s scrunchie!
HEATHER DUKE: Shut up, Heather. Heather Chandler’s gone and it’s up to me to replace her.
VERONICA: Replace Heather?
HEATHER CHANDLER: Please.
HEATHER DUKE: You should be worrying less about me and more about your reputation. Kurt
and Ram have been telling the whole school about your little threeway last night.
JD: Three-way?
VERONICA: There was no threeway, nothing happened!
HEATHER DUKE: I remember differently. I seem to remember there was a-
KURT & RAM: Big sword fight in her mouth!
PREPPY STUD: And she allowed it?
KURT & RAM: Big sword fight in her mouth...
HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA: That sure sounds crowded!
KURT: And then we both went south
RAM: And planted our flags
KURT: My big salami
KURT & RAM: Bent her over like origami!
ALL: Woah, Woah, Woah
Wooooaaaahh!
KURT & RAM: Everybody was
ALL: Sword fighting in her mouth
KURT, RAM, HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA: Yes we're convinced it
ALL: Went down right in her mouth
HEATHER MCNAMARA: I hope she rinsed it!
KURT & RAM: She blew and blew and blew
ALL: Like they were balloons
KURT: She lapped us up
RAM: Like a hearty stew
KURT & RAM: She bit off more than she could chew...
ALL: Woah, woah...
HEATHER DUKE: She'll do the same for you!
ALL: She blew not one guy but two
She blew and blew and blew
HEATHER DUKE: Veronica blew two!
ALL: She blew not one guy but two
She's like some freak in a zoo
HEATHER DUKE: If her mother only knew she blew two!
ALL: And every word is true
Veronica blew two!
HEATHER DUKE: Yeaaaahhhhh!
(JD goes to fight KURT and RAM but gets beaten up miserably.)
ALL: Freak! slu*t! Psycho! slu*t! Poke-ass! slu*t!
Freak! slu*t! Psycho! slu*t! Poke-ass!
KURT: Whooore!
RAM: (To JD) puss*!
(ALL but JD and VERONICA exit)
VERONICA: Hey, are you ok?
JD: What about you?
VERONICA: (Crying) Awesome. I’m sorry about the waterworks.
JD: They made you cry
But that will end tonight
You are the only thing that's right
About this broken world
Go on and cry
But when the morning comes
We'll burn it down and then
We'll build the world again...
Our love is God
VERONICA: Are you okay?
JD: I was alone
I was a frozen lake
But then you melted me awake
See, now I'm crying too
You're not alone
VERONICA: You're not alone
JD: And when the morning comes
VERONICA: When the morning comes
JD: We'll burn away that tear, and raise our city here...
VERONICA: Raise our city here...
JD & VERONICA: Our love is God
(VERONICA calls KURT, he answers)
KURT: Yeah-lo?
VERONICA: Hi, Kurt, it's Veronica... how did you guys know it was always a fantasy of mine
to have two guys at once?
KURT: Wowuhh... lucky guess?
VERONICA: Well, if you want it to come true, meet me at the cemetery, at dawn
KURT: Free puss*!
RAM: And we don't even have to buy it a pizza!
KURT: Punch it in! Whaat?! Hahaha!
JD: We can start and finish wars
JD & VERONICA: We're what killed the dinosaurs
We're the asteroid that's overdue
The dinosaurs choked on the dust
They died because God said they must
The new world needed room
For me and you
JD: I worship you
I'd trade my life for yours
They all will disappear
We'll plant our garden here
VERONICA: Plant our garden here
JD: Our love is God
VERONICA: Our love is God
JD: Our love is God
VERONICA: Our love is God
VERONICA: Whoa. Is that real?
JD: Yeah, but we're filling it with "Ich Luge" bullets
VERONICA: Ich Luge...? What?
JD: My grandad scored them in World War II. They contain this powerful tranquilizer. The
Nazis used them to fake their own suicides when the Russians invaded Berlin. We will use them
to knock Kurt and Ram out just long enough to make it look like a suicide pact. Complete with a
forged suicide note:
KURT & RAM: "Ram and I died because we had to hide our gay forbidden love from a
misapproving world."
JD: And when the morning comes
They'll both be laughing stocks
JD & VERONICA: So let's go hunt some jocks!
KURT: Hi... Veronica
RAM: So do we just whip it out or what?
VERONICA: Take it slow, Ram. Strip for me
RAM: Ok
KURT: Okaaay...What about you?
VERONICA: Oh, Well, I was hoping you could rip my clothes off me, sport
KURT: Yeah, we can do that
VERONICA: Count of three
VERONICA, KURT & RAM: One... two...
JD: Three
(JD shoots RAM, VERONICA shoots at KURT but misses)
KURT: Holy crap!
JD: Stay there! I’ll get him. Kurt? Kurt!
KURT: You killed my best friend!
VERONICA: Ram?
KURT: Why are you chasing me?
VERONICA: Ram? You're just unconscious, right? Ram? Ram!
JD: Get off the fence! Get off the damn fence!
KURT: I don't understand!
JD: We can start and finish wars
We're what killed the dinosaurs
We're the asteroid that's overdue
KURT: Stop being a dick!
JD: The dinosaurs will turn to dust
KURT: What does that mean?!
JD: They'll die because we say they must
(JD shoots KURT)
VERONICA: What the f*ck have you done?!
JD: ...I worship you
I'd trade my life for yours
And once they disappear
We'll plant our garden here
Our love is God
Our love is God
Our love is God
Our love is God
Our love is God
VERONICA: Our love is God...
JD: Our love is God...
VERONICA: Our love is God...
JD: Our love is God...
End Of Act 1
Bell rings.
VERONICA: Dear Diary,
I'm going steady
Mostly he's awesome
If a bit too "rock and roll"
Lately he's bumped off
Three of my classmates
God, have mercy on my soul
They were just seventeen
They still had room to grow
They could have turned out good
And now we'll never know
JD: There’s been a distinct lack of girls climbing through my bedroom window lately.
VERONICA: Take the hint.
JD: Okay, I get it, you’re mad-
VERONICA: No, I don’t think you do. “Ich Luge” bullets? You lied to me.
JD: You were lying to yourself. You wanted them dead too.
VERONICA: I did not.
JD: Did too!
VERONICA: Did not!
JD: Did too!
VERONICA: Did not!
JD: Did they make you cry?
VERONICA: Yes.
JD: Can they make you cry now?
VERONICA: No, but you can.
JD: Just wait ‘till you see the good that comes of this.
VERONICA: What good can possibly come of this?
JD: Call me an optimist.
VERONICA: Dear diary, my teenage angst bullsh*t has a body count.
Kurt and Ram’s funeral
KURT’S DAD: I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to say up here. I’m ashamed, of course.
My family’s turned this town into a laughingstock. My boy Kurt? Not the man I thought he was.
When I think of the sick, disgusting things that Kurt and Ram were do-
RAM'S DAD: You wait just a minute, Paul! It is ignorant, hateful talk like yours that makes this
world a place our boys could not live in!
(sung)
They were not dirty!
They were not wrong!
They were two lonely verses
In the Lord's great song!
KURT'S DAD: Our boys were pansies, Bill!
RAM'S DAD: Yes!
My boy's a hom*osexual
And that don't scare me none—
I want the world to know...
I love my dead gay son!
(spoken)
I've been thinking. Praying. Reading some magazines. And it's time we opened our eyes!
(sung)
Well, the good Lord made the universe
The Lord created man
And I believe it's all a part of his gigantic plan
I know God has a reason
For each mountain and each flower
And why he chose to let our boys get busy in the shower!
They were not dirty—
They were not fruits!
They were just two stray laces in the Lord's big boots
Well, I never cared for hom*os much until I reared me one
RAM’S DAD & CONGREGATION: But now I've learned to love...
RAM’S DAD: I love my dead gay son!
CONGREGATION: He loves his son
He loves his son
His dead gay son!
RAM'S DAD: Now, I say my boy's in heaven!
And he's tanning by the pool
The cherubim walk with him and him, and Jesus says it's cool!
They don't have crime or hatred, there's no bigotry or cursin' -
Just friendly fellows dressed up like their fav'rite Village Person!
They were not dirty—
CONGREGATION: No, no!
RAM’S DAD: They just had flair!
CONGREGATION: Whoa!
RAM’S DAD: They were two bright red ribbons in the Lord's long hair
Well, I used to see a hom*o and go reachin' for my gun
RAM’S DAD & CONGREGATION: But now I've learned to love...
RAM’S DAD: And furthermore!
These boys were brave as hell!
These boys , they knew damn well!
Those folks would judge 'em, they were desperate to be free!
They took a rebel stance, stripped to their underpants!
Paul, I can't believe that you
Still refuse to get a clue
After all that we been through—
(spoken)
I'm talkin’ you and me!
In the summer of '83!
KURT'S DAD: That was one hell of a fishing trip
CONGREGATION: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
They were not dirty—
Whoa!
And not perverse—
No, no!
They were just two stray rhinestones
On the Lord's big purse!
BOTH DADS: Our job is now continuing the work that they begun!
CONGREGATION: 'Cause now we love, love, love!
We love your dead—
RAM’S DAD: They're up there disco dancing to the thump of angel wings!
KURT’S DAD: They grab a mate...
RAM’S DAD: And roller skate—
BOTH DADS: While Judy Garland sings!
RAM’S DAD: They live a playful afterlife that's fancy-free and reckless!
KURT'S DAD: They swing upon the pearly gates—
BOTH DADS & CONGREGATION: And wear a pearly necklace!
CONGREGATION: Whoo!
BOTH DADS: They were not dirty!
CONGREGATION: No!
BOTH DADS & CONGREGATION: They were good men!
And now they're happy bear cubs in the Lord's big den!
BOTH DADS: Go forth and love each other now
Like our boys would have done
ALL: We'll teach the world to love...
BOTH DADS: (Overlapping with congregation) I love my dead gay son!
My son! My son!
CONGREGATION: Not half bad, your dead gay son!
Wish I had your dead gay son!
Thank you, dad, for your...
BOTH DADS & CONGREGATION: Dead! Gay! Son!
(ALL leave but VERONICA and JD)
JD: What is that I smell in the air? Tolerance? Inclusion? Love? You know, how often can you
say it’s a good day to live Westerberg, Ohio? You’re welcome, town.
VERONICA: You don’t have to be so smug about it.
JD: Your love keeps me humble. So who’s next, Heather Duke? She started that threeway rumor.
I’ve taken the liberty of underlining meaningful passages in her copy of Moby Dick, if you know
what I mean.
VERONICA: No! No, I do not accept this! Three people are dead, that’s enough! This ends now.
JD: Or what?
VERONICA: Or I’m breaking up with you.
JD: Look, any war has casualties. It doesn’t mean it’s not worth fighting! But what? You’d rather
go to jail and give a free pass to the thugs who hurt people, evil pricks who make this world so
unbearable you can’t stand to go on living?
VERONICA: JD, how did your mother die?
JD: You really wanna know?
VERONICA: Yeah, I do.
JD: My dad said it was an accident but she knew what she was doing. She walked into that
building 2 minutes before dad blew it up. She waved at me out the window and then
KABOOM... She left me.
VERONICA: I’m really sorry-
JD: Don’t be. The pain gives me clarity. We have a lot of work to do
VERONICA: What work?
JD: Making this world a decent place for people who are decent.
VERONICA: And when does it end?
JD: WHEN EVERY ASSHOLE IS DEAD.
VERONICA: Fine!
We’re damaged
Really damaged
But that does not make us wise
We’re not special, we’re not different”
We don’t choose who lives or dies
Let’s be normal, see bad movies
Sneak a beer and watch tv
We’ll bake brownies or go bowling
Don’t you want a life with me?
Can’t we be seventeen?
That’s all I want to do
If you could let me in
I could be good with you
People hurt us
JD: Or they vanish
VERONICA: And you’re right, that really blows
But we let go—
JD: Take a deep breath
VERONICA: Then go buy some summer clothes
We'll go camping—
JD: Play some poker
VERONICA: And we’ll eat some chili fries
Maybe prom night
JD: Maybe dancing
VERONICA: Don't stop looking in my eyes
JD: Your eyes
BOTH: Can't we be seventeen
Is that so hard to do?
If you could let me in
I could be good with you
Let us be seventeen
If we still got the right
VERONICA: So what’s it gonna be?
I wanna be with you
JD: I wanna be with you
VERONICA: Wanna be with you
BOTH: Tonight
VERONICA: Yeah we’re damaged
JD: Badly damaged
BOTH: But your love’s too good to lose
VERONICA: Hold me tighter
JD: Even closer
VERONICA: I’ll stay if I’m what you choose
JD: Can we be seventeen?
VERONICA: If I am what you choose
JD: If we've still got the right
VERONICA: ‘Cause you’re the one I choose
JD: You’re the one I choose
BOTH: You’re the one I choose
(JD exits. HEATHER CHANDLER ENTERS.)
HEATHER CHANDLER: And they all lived happily ever after. Do you really believe that? Do
you think it all just goes back to normal? Oh, don’t give me that wounded look. You know
exactly what he is and you love it.
VERONICA: Just stop talking.
HEATHER CHANDLER: Only a true dead best friend would give it to you straight.
(MARTHA enters)
MARTHA: Veronica, I need your help.
VERONICA: Sure, what?
MARTHA: Something doesn’t add up. I think Ram and Kurt were murdered.
HEATHER CHANDLER: Well f*ck me gently with a chainsaw! Nancy Drew is on to you,
Veronica.
VERONICA: Why would you think that? They found a suicide note.
MARTHA: It could have been faked. I mean, you forge stuff all the time, right?
HEATHER CHANDLER: I am in love with this fat girl!
VERONICA: Who would wanna kill Ram and Kurt?
(RAM and KURT enter)
MARTHA: Well, I was thinking your friend JD. You remember the way he went after them in
the lunchroom!
KURT: Yeah, man that sucked.
MARTHA: There’s something off about that JD.
RAM: Look, Veronica’s going to lady prison! Girl on giiirl!
KURT: Punch it in!
MARTHA: I want to look in JD’s locker, I was hoping you could give me the combination.
HEATHER CHANDLER: Well, I’ll bet they’d find all kinds of interesting things in that locker.
Maybe some “Ich Luge” bullets?
VERONICA: Martha, this is a pretty wild theory.
MARTHA: I don’t care what they were saying at the funeral. Ram was not gay! I’d stake my life
on it.
KURT: Ha! Ram’s a fatty magnet!
RAM: Yeah, well at least I don’t have skid marks!
KURT: Bullsh*t!
RAM: Skid marks!
(They fight)
VERONICA: Stop it!
MARTHA: Stop what? Veronica, what’s wrong with you?
VERONICA: I’m just trying to understand. Ram was gay. Why would you think anything else?
MARTHA: He kissed me, remember? On the kickball field.
VERONICA: Yeah, in kindergarten.
MARTHA: My heart knows the truth.
HEATHER CHANDLER: It’s time to choose, Veronica. It’s eat or be eaten.
MARTHA: Why would he invite me to his homecoming party if he didn’t still feel something?
HEATHER CHANDLER: You know what to say.
MARTHA: Why would he write me that note? I’m gonna confront JD.
VERONICA: No!
HEATHER CHANDLER: Do you have the guts?
(VERONICA lets out a forced laugh)
VERONICA: Oh, Martha, you floor me, you really do.
MARTHA: What do you mean?
VERONICA: Ram didn’t write that love note. I did.
MARTHA: No...
VERONICA: Yeah. The whole school was in on the joke, the Heathers put me up to it. Nobody
laughed harder than Ram. He didn’t love you, he was a dick. He’s dead. Move on.
(MARTHA exits)
sh*t. sh*t! I had to hurt her! If JD ever caught her snooping around his stuff he’d-
HEATHER CHANDLER: Kill her? Oh, is that what you’re afraid of? But I thought the
desperado hung up his 6 guns. Don’t you trust him?
(HEATHER CHANDLER exits. MS. FLEMING and KIDS enter)
MS. FLEMING: Veronica, There you are! I need you girls in place for the assembly.
VERONICA: Oh, right. This thing. Christ.
MS. FLEMING: Pedal to the metal, kids! Come on, show a little hustle!
HEATHER MCNAMARA: I’m kind of looking forward to this,
HEATHER DUKE: Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Sorry, Heather.
MS. FLEMING: Hello, Westerberg! I want you to ignore the television cameras and the TV
news crews. We’re here to document this specific moment. Whether to kill yourself or not is one
of the most important decisions a teenager can make. I know, I know. Do you know what I’m
gonna do right now?
HIPSTER DORK: Kill yourself on stage?
(The KIDS laugh)
MS. FLEMING: That’s not productive, Dwight. My senior thesis at Berkeley was on the subject
of pediatric psychotherapeutic musicology. It was very well regarded, so I speak with some
authority when I tell you that the way to eliminate suicide is by first eliminating fear by creating
a safe zone in which we all are equal, because you all are beautiful!
MS. FLEMING: Deep inside of everyone
There's a hot ball of shame
Guilt, regret, anxiety
Fears we dare not name
But, if we show the ugly parts
That we hide away
They turn out to be beautiful
By the light of day!
Why not-
COMPANY: Shine, shine, shine a light!
MS. FLEMING: On your deepest fears!
COMPANY: Let in sunlight now
MS. FLEMING: And your pain will disappear!
COMPANY: Shine, shine, shine
MS. FLEMING: And your scars and your flaws
COMPANY: Will look lovely because you shine!
MS. FLEMING: You shine a light
COMPANY: Shine, shine, shine a light
Shine, shine, shine a light
STONER CHICK: Everyday's a battlefield
When pride's on the line
PREPPY STUD: I attack your weaknesses
STONER CHICK & MS. FLEMING: And pray you don't see mine
BITTER GEEK: But if I share my ugly parts
BITTER GEEK, GOTH GIRL & MS. FLEMING: And you show me yours
BITTER GEEK & GOTH GIRL: Our love can knock our walls down
BITTER GEEK, GOTH GIRL, STONER CHICK, PREPPY & MS. FLEMING: And unlock all
our-
BITTER GEEK, GOTH GIRL, STONER CHICK & PREPPY: Doors!
MS. FLEMING: Go on-
MS. FLEMING & COMPANY: Shine, shine, shine a light
MS. FLEMING: On your deepest fears!
COMPANY: Let in sunlight now
MS. FLEMING: And your pain will-
MS. FLEMING & COMPANY: Disappear!
MS. FLEMING: (In rhythm) Who wants to share what's in their heart?
No volunteers? Fine, I'll start
My name's Pauline
I live alone
My husband left
My kids are grown
In the 60s love was free
That did not work out well for me
The revolution came and went
Tried to change the world
Barely made a dent
I have struggled with despair
I've joined a cult
Chopped off my hair
I chant, I prayed, but god's not there
(She points out someone in the audience)
So Steve! I'm ending our affair!
And I faked it, every single time
Woo, that feels fan-freaking-tastic
1, 2, take me home kids!
COMPANY: Shine, shine, shine a light
MS. FLEMING: On your deepest fears!
COMPANY: Let in sunlight now
MS. FLEMING: And your pain will disappear!
COMPANY: Shine, shine, shine
MS. FLEMING: And your scars and your flaws
MS. FLEMING & COMPANY: Will look lovely because you shine!
MS. FLEMING: You shine, you shine a liiiiiiiiiiiight
COMPANY: Shine, shine, shine a light
Shine, shine, shine a light
Shine, shine, shine a light
Shine, shine, shine a light
MS. FLEMING: Yeah!
MS. FLEMING & COMPANY: Shine, shine, shine a light
Shine, shine, shine a light
Shine, shine, shine a light
Shine a light! YEAH!
MS. FLEMING: Come on, kids! Work with me! I want you to share that pain! Drag it out into
the light, where everyone can look at it! Don’t you wanna share?
HEATHER MCNAMARA Fine, I’ll do it myself!
HEATHER DUKE: What the hell are you doing?
MS. FLEMING: No no no no no! Don’t stop Heather! You’re in a safe place. It’s just you and
me and your classmates who love you! Go on, share! It’s gonna be okay.
HEATHER DUKE: Heather, get back in line.
MS. FLEMING: Zip it!
HEATHER MCNAMARA: My sort-of boyfriend killed himself because he was gay for his
linebacker. My best friend seemed to have it all together but she’s gone, too. Now my stomach’s
hurting worse and worse and every morning on the bus I feel my heart beating harder and faster
and I’m like Jesus, I’m on the freakin’ bus again because all my rides to school are dead...
I float in a boat
In a raging black ocean
Low in the water
And nowhere to go
The tiniest lifeboat
With people I know
Cold, clammy, and crowded
The people smell desperate
We'll sink any minute
So someone must go
The tiniest lifeboat
With the people I know
Everyone's pushing
Everyone's fighting
Storms are approaching
There's nowhere to hide
If I say the wrong thing
Or I wear the wrong outfit
They'll throw me right over the side
I'm hugging my knees
And the captain is pointing
Well, who made her captain?
Still, the weakest must go
The tiniest lifeboat
Full of people I know
The tiniest lifeboat
Full of people I know
HEATHER DUKE: What’s your damage, Heather? Are you saying Westerberg is not a nice
place?
MS. FLEMING: Heather!
HEATHER DUKE: Where’s your school spirit? You don’t deserve to wear Westerberg school
colors.
MS. FLEMING: Don’t be mean spirited!
HEATHER DUKE: Why don’t you hop in your little lifeboat and catch a gnarly wave over to
Remington!
(KIDS laugh)
MS FLEMING: Knock it off! Alright, people, settle down.
STONER GIRL: Aw, look! Heather’s gonna cry!
(KIDS laugh harder. HEATHER MCNAMARA exits)
MS. FLEMING: Lady, you are suspended! Turn off the cameras! Turn them off, goddammit!
VERONICA: Is that all you care about? TV cameras?
MS. FLEMING: I care about saving lives. Heather Duke ruined a valuable-
VERONICA: Valuable? None of us want this spectacle. To be experimented on like guinea pigs?
Patronized like bunny rabbits?
MS. FLEMING: I don’t patronize bunny rabbits.
HEATHER CHANDLER: This is their big secret. The adults are powerless.
VERONICA: Heather Mac trusted you. You said you’d protect her!
HEATHER CHANDLER: They can’t help us. Nobody can.
VERONICA: You’re useless.
(MS. FLEMING exits)
VERONICA: We’re alone in the ocean. You’re all idiots!
JD: Veronica, you should sit back-
VERONICA: No! let go! Heather Chandler was a monster, just like Kurt and Ram. They didn’t
kill themselves, I killed them. What do you all think about that?
HEATHER DUKE: God, some people will say anything if they think it’ll make them popular!
(KIDS laugh. VERONICA exits)
JD: Veronica!
(HEATHER MCNAMARA enters, trying her hardest to open a pill bottle)
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Stupid child proof caps!
HEATHER DUKE: Aww look, Heather's going to
HEATHER DUKE & COMPANY: Whine, whine, whine all night!
HEATHER DUKE: You don't deserve to live!
HEATHER DUKE & COMPANY: Why not kill yourself!
HEATHER DUKE: Here, have a sedative!
HEATHER & COMPANY: Whine, whine, whine!
HEATHER DUKE: Like there's no Santa Claus
HEATHER DUKE & COMPANY: You're pathetic because you whine!
HEATHER DUKE: You whine all night!
HEATHER DUKE: (Whine) Your ass is off the team
(Whine) Go on and bitch and moan
(Whine) You don't deserve to dream
(Whine) You're gonna die alone
HEATHER DUKE & COMPANY: Die alone!
Die alone!
Die alone!
DIE ALONE!
(VERONICA enters. KIDS exit)
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Suicide is a private thing.
VERONICA: Throwing your life away to be a statistic in USA Today? It’s the least private thing
I can think of.
HEATHER MCNAMARA: What about Heather? Ram and Kurt?
VERONICA: If everyone jumped off a bridge, young lady, would you?
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Probably.
VERONICA: If you were happy all the time, you wouldn’t be human. You’d be a game show
host.
(HEATHER MCNAMARA spits out her pills)
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Thanks for coming after me.
(HEATHER MCNAMARA exits. JD enters.)
JD: You’re a genius! You know, you had me worried with your little confession but you pulled it
off. Best place to hide: right in plain sight.
VERONICA: I wasn’t trying to hide
JD: But why’d you have to go and mess with McNamara? One more dead Heather’s a good
thing.
VERONICA: She’s my friend.
JD: If she’s such a good friend, why let Duke live? The bitch who made McNamara want to die,
nothing ever changes! Unless-
VERONICA: Hey, we are out of the “change” business! You promised me, remember? I’m
holding you to it-
JD: (Over VERONICA) Doesn’t it bother you that Duke walks free doing the same old evil in the
same old ways-
VERONICA: Don’t talk over me! You promised.
(JD’S DAD enters)
JD’S DAD: “Gee, pop, ever heard of knocking? I was busy playing grab-ass with my girlfriend.”
JD: “Young man, you know the rules: when company’s over, the bedroom door stays open.”
JD’S DAD: So the judge, God bless him, told those Glenn Miller groupies to slurp sh*t and die!
You should have seen the fireworks, got it all here on video. Loaded the upper floors with
thermals, set the whole thing off with a Norwegian in the boiler room. Kaboom! I’ll be right
back, I’m gonna need my drawstring pants for this one.
(JD fires a gun into the ceiling)
JD’S DAD: Goddammit! No firearms in the house!
(JD’S DAD exits)
VERONICA: Why are you carrying a gun?
JD: It pisses my dad off, it’s funny!
VERONICA: It’s not funny. None of this is funny. Why are you carrying a gun? You promised
me!
JD: Hey, it’s a dangerous world.
VERONICA: Because of you. Don’t call me. Don’t talk to me.
JD: Veronica!
VERONICA: You don’t know right from wrong. We’re over.
JD: Come on, come back!
VERONICA: Over!
JD: But I love you!
VERONICA: Goodbye, JD.
(VERONICA exits)
JD: f*ck.
(KIDS enter)
KIDS: Woah--
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Tomorrow night's the pep rally!
ALL: Woah--
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Let's get psyched!
ALL: Hey yo, Westerburg
tell me what's that sound?
Here comes Westerburg
comin' to put you in the ground!
Go, go, Westerburg
give a great big yell...
Westerburg will knock you out
and send you straight to hell!
(ALL but JD and HEATHER DUKE exit)
JD: I now know thee, thou clear spirit.
HEATHER DUKE: That's from Moby Dick.
JD: I appreciate a well-read woman.
HEATHER DUKE: What's in the envelope?
JD: You’re gonna want to see it.
HEATHER DUKE: Oh sh*t!
JD: Just a tangible reminder that at around age six, I'm guessing, you and Martha Dunnstock
were friends.
HEATHER DUKE: Where did you get these? Did Veronica give them to you? What do you
want? Money?
(MARTHA enters)
JD: A favor.
HEATHER DUKE: No way.
JD: Oh, I really love this one of you and Martha in the bathtub together.
HEATHER DUKE: These photos are ancient history. Nobody cares about the past. Nobody
cares about Martha Dumptruck.
(HEATHER DUKE exits. JD drops the photos and exits. MARTHA picks up the pictures)
MARTHA: There was a boy I met in kindergarten
He was sweet, he said that I was smart
He was good at sports and people liked him
And at nap time once we shared a mat
I didn't sleep I sat and watched him breathing
Watched him dream for nearly half an hour
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Then he woke up
He pulled a scab off one time playing kick ball
Kissed me quick then pressed it in my hand
I took that scab and put it in a locket
All year long I wore it near my heart
He didn't care if I was thin or pretty
And he was mine until we hit first grade
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Then he woke up
Last night I dreamed a horse with wings
Flew down into my homeroom
On its back there he sat
And he held out his arms
So we sailed above the gym
Across the faculty parking lot
My kindergarten boyfriend and I
And a horse with wings
Now we're all grown up and we know better
Now we recognize the way things are
Certain boys are just for kindergarten
Certain girls are meant to be alone
But I believe that any dream worth having
Is a dream that should not have to end
So I'll build a dream that I can live in
And this time I'm never waking up
And we'll soar above the trees
Over cars and croquet lawns
Past the church and the lake
And the tri-county mall
We will fly through the dawn
To a new kindergarten
Where nap time is centuries long
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh
VERONICA and HEATHER MCNAMARA are playing croquet.
(HEATHER DUKE enters)
HEATHER DUKE: Hey, guys! Missed you after 8th period.
VERONICA: Yeah, we were avoiding you.
HEATHER MCNAMARA: What you did to me sucked.
HEATHER DUKE: Fine. Skip the foreplay, sign this.
VERONICA: What is this?
HEATHER DUKE: It’s a petition to have MTV throw a spring break blowout in Westerberg in
order to raise suicide awareness. I got everybody to sign. I’m going to make an inspirational
speech about it at the pep rally tonight.
VERONICA: Ugh. Count me out.
HEATHER DUKE: Veronica, why are you pulling my dick? It was your boyfriend’s idea.
VERONICA: JD?
HEATHER DUKE: He made up the signature sheet and everything.
VERONICA: Look, I don’t know what JD’s up to but if you know what’s good for you, you’ll
throw that clipboard away.
HEATHER DUKE: Not a chance. I’ll just fake your signature like I did with Martha Dumptruck,
she’s in no shape to sign anything after last night.
VERONICA: What happened last night?
HEATHER DUKE: It was on the radio. She took a belly flop off the Old Mill bridge holding a
suicide note.
VERONICA: Oh my god! She’s not-
HEATHER DUKE: Just some broken bones. Just another geek trying to imitate the popular
people and failing miserably.
(HEATHER CHANDLER, KURT, and RAM enter)
HEATHER CHANDLER, RAM AND KURT: Yo -
Girl -
Keep it together
I -
Knew -
You would come far
Now -
You’re -
Truly a Heather
Smell -
How -
Gangsta you are
VERONICA: Martha, I’m so sorry?
HEATHER CHANDLER, RAM AND KURT: Yo -
Girl -
Feel a bit punchy?
She’s -
Not -
Looking so well
Still -
You’ve -
Earned that red scrunchie
Come-
Join -
Heather in hell
VERONICA’S DAD: Where have you been?
VERONICA’S MOM: We’ve been worried sick! Your friend JD stopped by. He told us
everything.
VERONICA: ... “Everything”?
VERONICA’S DAD: Your depression? Your thoughts of suicide?
VERONICA’S MOM: He even showed us your copy of Moby Dick.
HEATHER CHANDLER: He’s got your handwriting down cold.
VERONICA’S MOM: Please, honey. Talk to us!
VERONICA: No, you’d never understand!
VERONICA’S MOM: Try me! I know it all seems impossibly dramatic—
HEATHER CHANDLER, RAM & KURT: Guess who’s right down the block?
VERONICA’S MOM: Your problems seem like life and death—
HEATHER CHANDLER, RAM AND KURT: Guess who’s climbing the stairs?
VERONICA’S MOM: I promise, they’re not
HEATHER CHANDLER, RAM AND KURT: Guess who’s picking your lock?
VERONICA: You don’t know what my world looks like!
HEATHER CHANDLER, RAM AND KURT: Time’s up! Go say your prayers!
Veronica’s running on, running on fumes now
Veronica’s totally fried
Veronica’s gotta be tripping on ‘shrooms now
Thinking that she can hide
Veronica’s done for, there’s no doubt now
Notify next of kin!
Veronica’s trying to keep him out now
TOO LATE!
He got in!
JD: Knock! Knock! Sorry for coming in through the window. Dreadful etiquette, I know!
VERONICA: Get out of my house!
JD: Hiding in the closet? Come on, unlock the door.
VERONICA: I’ll scream and my parents will call the police!
JD: All is forgiven, baby! Come out and get dressed, you’re my date to the pep rally tonight!
VERONICA: What? Why?
JD: Our classmates thought they were signing a petition, but you should come see what they
really signed.
You chucked me out like I was trash
For that you should be dead—
But!
But!
But!
Then it hit me like a flash
What if high school went away instead?
Those assholes are the key!
They’re keeping you away from me!
They made you blind, messed up your mind
But I can set you free!
You left me and I fell apart
I punched the wall and cried—
Bam!
Bam!
Bam!
Then I found you changed my heart and set loose all that truthful sh*t inside!
And so I built a bomb
Tonight our school is Vietnam!
Let’s guarantee they’ll never see their senior prom!
I was meant to be yours!
We were meant to be one!
Don’t give up on me now!
Finish what we’ve begun!
I was meant to be yours!
So when the high school gym goes BOOM with everyone inside—
Pkhw!
Pkhw!
Pkhw!
In the rubble of their tomb
We’ll plant this note explaining why they died!
JD & STUDENTS: We, the students of Westerburg High
Will die
Our burnt bodies may finally get through
To you
Your society churns out slaves and blanks
No thanks
Signed the Students of Westerburg High
‘Goodbye.’
JD: We’ll watch the smoke pour out the doors
Bring marshmallows
We’ll make s’mores!
We can smile and cuddle while the fire roars!
JD & STUDENTS: I was meant to be yours!
We were meant to be one!
I can’t make it alone!
Finish what we’ve begun!
YOU WERE MEANT TO BE MINE!
I AM ALL THAT YOU NEED!
YOU CARVED OPEN MY HEART!
CAN’T JUST LEAVE ME TO BLEED!
Veronica, open the—open the door, please
Veronica, open the door
Veronica, can we not fight anymore, please
Can we not fight anymore
Veronica, sure, you’re scared
I’ve been there. I can set you free!
Veronica, don’t make me come in there!
I’m gonna count to three!
One! Two! f*ck it!
STUDENTS: Ah...
(JD walks in on Veronica, hanging from a fake noose)
JD: Oh my God... No! Veronica!
Please don’t leave me alone
You were all I could trust
I can’t do this alone
JD & STUDENTS: STILL I WILL IF I MUST!...
(VERONICA’S MOM enters. JD exits)
VERONICA’S MOM: Veronica! I brought you a snack! Veronica? Aaaghhh!
VERONICA: No no no no no! Mom, I’m ok! I’m ok, I’m so sorry! Oh my god it’s a joke I’m ok,
I’m so sorry. Oh my god-
VERONICA’S MOM: It’s not funny!
(VERONICA’S DAD enters)
VERONICA’S DAD: What’s going on up here?
VERONICA: Mom, dad, I am so sorry!
VERONICA’S DAD: Sorry for what?
VERONICA: For being a horrible person.
VERONICA’S MOM: What? Where are you going?
VERONICA: Out.
VERONICA’S DAD: When will you be back?
VERONICA: That’s a good question.
I wanted someone strong who could protect me
I let his anger fester and infect me
His solution is a lie
No one here deserves to die
Except for me and the monster I created
Yeah!
Yeah!
Heads up, J.D., I'm a dead girl walking!
ALL BUT VERONICA: Hey, yo, Westerberg!
VERONICA: Can't hide from me, I'm a dead girl walking!
ALL BUT VERONICA: Hey, yo, Westerberg!
VERONICA: And there's your final bell
It's one more dance and then farewell
Cheek to cheek in hell with a dead girl walkin'!
STUDENTS: Woah-
Here we go, here we go now!
Woah-
Here we go, here we go now!
MS. FLEMING: Veronica? Jason Dean told me you'd just committed suicide!
VERONICA: Yeah, well, he's wrong about a lot of things.
MS. FLEMING: I threw together a lovely tribute, especially considering the short notice...
VERONICA: Ms. Fleming, what's under the gym?
MS. FLEMING: The boiler room.
VERONICA: That's it!
MS. FLEMING: Veronica, what's going on?
VERONICA: Got no time to talk, I'm a dead girl walking!
STUDENTS: Hey yo, Westerberg!
Hey yo, Westerberg!
Tell me what's that sound?
Here comes Westerberg
Comin' to put you in the ground!
Go go, Westerberg!
Give a great big yell!
Westerberg will knock you out
And send you straight to hell!
VERONICA: A Norwegian in the boiler room. Just like your dad.
JD: I thought you’d lost your taste for faking suicides.
VERONICA: Step away from the bomb
JD: This little thing? I'd hardly call this a bomb. This is just to trigger the packs of thermals
upstairs in the gym. Those are bombs. People are gonna see the ashes of Westerberg High School
and they're gonna think 'there's a school that self-destructed not because society doesn't care but
because that school was society'. The only place that Heathers and Marthas can get along is in
Heaven!
VERONICA: I wish your mom had been a little stronger
I wish she stayed around a little longer
I wish your dad were good!
I wish grown-ups understood!
I wish we’d met before
They convinced you life is war!
I wish you'd come with me—
JD: I wish I had more TNT! Aah! Jesus!
(JD draws a gun, which they fight over)
STUDENTS: Hey yo, Westerberg!
Hey yo, Westerberg!
Tell me what's that sound?
Here comes Westerberg
Comin' to put you in the ground!
Go go, Westerberg!
Give a great big yell!
Westerberg will knock you out
And send you straight to...
(A gunshot is heard. JD is shot)
JD: ... Was it good for you? Kind of sucks for me.
(JD collapses to the ground. VERONICA grabs the bomb)
VERONICA: Dear diary, the irony here is that I didn’t get a chance to write a suicide note.
JD: Smart thinking. Drag the trigger bomb out to the football field, that way nobody dies. Except
you if you keep holding on to that thing.
VERONICA: I killed people, I have to pay for that!
JD: Not you. Me. I destroy things, just like my dad, it never occured to me to try building
anything. But you’re different.
(JD takes the bomb)
Go do something with your life.
VERONICA: JD!
JD: I am damaged, far too damaged
But you’re not beyond repair
Stick around here
Make things better
‘Cause you beat me fair and square
Please stand back now
‘Little further
Don’t know what this thing will do
Hope you’ll miss me
Wish you’d kiss me
Then you’d know I worship you
I’ll trade my life for yours
VERONICA: Oh my God—
JD: And once I disappear
VERONICA: Wait, hold on—
JD: Clean up the mess down here
VERONICA: Not this way!
JD: Our love is God
Our love is God
Our love is God
Our love is God
VERONICA: Say hi to God
Boom. Bell rings, KIDS enter
HEATHER MCNAMARA: Where have you been? People were saying you killed yourself!
HEATHER DUKE: You look like hell
VERONICA: I just got back
(VERONICA takes the red scrunchie right out of her hair)
HEATHER DUKE: Hey! What are you doing?!
(VERONICA puts on the scrunchie)
VERONICA: Listen up folks
War is over
Brand new sheriff's come to town
We are done with acting evil
We will lay our weapons down
We're all damaged, we're all frightened
We're all freaks but that's alright
We'll endure it, we'll survive it
Martha, are you free tonight?
MARTHA: What?
VERONICA: Um, my date for the pep rally kind of blew-...me off. So, I was wondering, if you
weren't doing anything tonight, maybe we could pop some Jiffy Pop and rent a video, something
with a happy ending
MARTHA: Are there any happy endings?
VERONICA: I can't promise no more Heathers
High school may not ever end
Still, I miss you, I'd be honored
If you'd let me be your friend
MARTHA: My friend
VERONICA AND MARTHA: We can be seventeen
We can learn how to chill
If no one loves me now
Someday somebody will
We can be seventeen
Still time to make things right
One day we'll change the world
MEN: Woah...
Woah...
Woah...
Woah...
Woah...
Woah...
WOMEN: But let's kick back tonight
Let's go be seventeen
Take off our clothes and dance
Act like we're all still kids
Cause this could be our final chance!
Always be seventeen
Celebrate you and I
Maybe we won't grow old
MEN: And ya know
Ya know
Ya know...
We can be beautiful
Ya know
Ya know
Ya know...
Cause this could be our final...
And ya know
Ya know
Ya know...
We can be beautiful
Ya know
Ya know
You know...
ALL: And maybe then we'll never die
We'll make it beautiful
We'll make it beautiful
Beautiful
Beautiful
Beautiful
Beautiful
Beautiful
Beautiful
Beautiful
Beautiful
Beautiful!
